戦いを止める

mine was the screams of injustice, not for myself, never for myself. mine were the echoes in the dark, the reminder that i was once alone, reminders that i once was never alone. mine were the corrupt movements of one who does not understand, mine were the desperate attempts at understanding, mine were the failings of ignorance and the struggle to hold to a faded piece of humanity.

action defines us

but where do we place what we feel?

i am bad at action. when i feel something important, when i understand something, i don't know how to prove it. i don't know how to show it, act it out. i just feel it.

maybe that's why i've always written it down, it seems like an action, like proof.

私は人間です

I love you. And I will stick around because of that. Because I know we help each other and because we've been through a lot together. You are my best friend. You mean the world to me and even if you don't take the time to think on my level I don't care, I still value you. I think that you only judge how I act. So maybe feelings never mattered at all. But they do to me. You care about a lot of things that you hide. You bury everything in plan sight and then wrap it up in laughs and jokes. You don't care about a lot of things. You are hard, but you feel soft at times. Being soft at times doesn't make you weak, even if you fear that it does. I've learned that underneath the judgments and harsh attitude is someone very raw and pure. It's difficult to explain, but underneath the layers I'm beginning to make sense of things. And I stretch out my arms to you and try to see as you see. But it's hard this time, I've been so closed off. But now I will try harder to understand you.

理解

さて私はやる

It seems like a pilgrimage to me. A kind of journey that I've started, seeking out exactly who I am with or without what I've had all this time. I delved deep into myself and came up with nothing, so I thought. But now I realize what I've done to myself is not completely useless, there are still lessons to be learned and things to see. What I have to draw from is not enough and I must walk on, but leaving everything behind to never look upon again is a leap into the hole that stands inches from me. I choose a path, the abyss was never for me and never will be. I am not one to fall with no direction and no control. So I still stand within my walls and I realize that with caution, I may be able to guide people in, my own choice.

私の平和を保つ

It's ironic that here is where I ended up after all this time. I managed to find my original posts from when I first started blogging online. I had to dig through the html that had somehow gotten into my files, but I picked it out. I'm so different from then. It's strange looking back and seeing the ignorance in my words, seeing how I was grasping at anything and then releasing into a pool of absolutely nothing. I was helpless and alone and going slowly insane. Now I feel trapped, it's honestly similar to how I felt then except now there is a fear of expressing what I do feel. That and I don't have that same ignorance I had before. It was somewhat of a security. A security I'm still somewhat caught in. I'm still ignorant, in a way. I think I need to start talking to more people. If I don't expand soon I'll probably always be trapped in this security and haze.

そこにハハハイ

I think it's that I don't feel safe writing anymore. I feel constantly judged and constantly watched. I feel like every crevice of me is under close examination and that I can't breathe at all because as soon as I say anything everyone will think it's a lie and I'll have to consider it as being a lie too. I shouldn't be listening to that or fearing that, but as unrealistic as it is I can't directly write in what was once my safest space. Nobody would even care enough to read, nobody even looks anymore and nobody gives a shit who I am now, but I'm still afraid.

おっとっと

Feels like something's happening