If I just let myself snap in secret then I haven't really changed.

I say as I come here, the place I assume no one looks. But I suppose I'm not snapping.

I only feel sad about losing you that way when I think about who you are. Then is when I notice there comes a certain want for you; then is when I realize I will never have you again. But when I let myself think of the love that I have, the selfless kind, I am fine. Happy even. I realize that I will feel sad from time to time, sad because I am still selfishly clinging to you. The majority of the time I am grateful, you're alright, stronger, better, more stable, happier. We broke things off well. Growing past the loss of you, knowing you, having you, being that close to you, will take time.

In the meantime I'm discovering my strengths, my weakness that I must overcome, the time it will take to grow better. I have Zeal to help me, to hone me, to correct me when I take a wrong turn. I have a freed state of mind that is far stronger than any I've forged before, built with the singular purpose of becoming the absolute best. I have knowledge from past experiences, tools to gain more, examples of what is right and examples of what is wrong, things to repeat, things to never do again.

I am extremely tired.

But it's alright, I'm not letting up. There is nothing in me anymore to hold me back.

I'm so angry.

It's that cold anger again, the type that creeps up slowly and burns like ice. I can feel myself slipping into this state of mind that will force me to move. That's alright too. I know what it's from.

What I've discovered is pride. A lot of it.

I'm beginning to understand Zeal's frustration at people being better than him. I have an itch, a desire to rip everything in front of me apart and take what I want. I am not weak, not helpless, and even if I am ignorant I won't be for long. I can't fucking stand people looking down on me, giving them a reason to. I've given them plenty up to this point and over time it's built up this cold rage. No matter how long it takes me I'm going to become better than all of them.

Sure, I don't have that burning passionate fire Zeal does or the impulse to rip my enemies apart the first chance I get, but I don't need that with the patience I have.

Right now I fortify. I can do nothing if I crumble before I get there. So I'll lay the foundation and work hard to act later. I don't care to destroy others. However, I do want to be able to. I want to be able to so that I can be the best. When I'm the best I won't have to bow to someone else to get help when I need to act. I can actually protect myself, protect people I care about, have the power to get what I want.

It's going to take so much work, haha. I'm going to have to work even harder than now. Now is nothing at all.

That being said, I've made excellent progress. My self-control is far stronger, my body is healthier, my mind is more powerful, I can deal with emotions and act properly, my ability is actually being used and I'm done sitting back. I have a reason to move.

I'm pretty fucking great right now, but it's not good enough for me. I haven't impressed myself yet, I'm not the best yet. I'm going to fucking impress myself, I'm going to prove to myself that I can impress myself.

Also I discovered K pop and it's bomb ^^

I'm dropping titles in a language I don't even speak until I feel like being consistent again.

I have been given the gift of knowledge without pain. I know a lot of things that I didn't have to labor to get, didn't have to live through, didn't have to bare. I've been through a lot of really good things and I have the opportunity to become so much better. I've learned self-discipline and I've learned how to keep my feeling side in check. I've learned how things work and I've learned about the world. I've learned about realms and other worlds, I've learned about what's true and false and I've learned that I don't have to be afraid of the religion I was brought up in. My family is stable, my life is within my grasp and as for bad things that directly affected me I don't remember any of them. I've worked to get better academically, physically I've started training myself, spiritually I need some work but I know what to do now.

Stepping back, looking at everything, there is far more to be grateful for than there is to complain about. I'm adopting a new perspective.

I've been given tools. I've been given insight. I've gone through next to no pain in the grand scheme of things, but enough to make me cautious and enough to prepare me. With these things I can become better and learn more and actually live. I want to live, I want to grow better, I want to be the best that I can be in this life.

For this to happen I have to realize how ignorant I am, how much I have to learn. I know I've made some steps but they're incredibly small. Now I will begin to truly learn.

I'm not lonely

It's okay

文字列

Softly.

私はむしろ知らない

Ah, yes. I feel more like myself.

You're quite yourself as well, aren't you?

I had a dream you were seething with hate and wanted revenge. I imagine you thinking everything through a hundred times. I imagine how you feel when you realize that you'll never touch any of it again, that you are alone with a burden you'll never be able to share and there is only one person you can go to. A strange familiar feeling envelopes you and you wonder if it's possible to taste at least one piece that you had before. It was all a blur but there were moments of clarity and maybe you can make sense of things and move on. Hopefully, you reach out...your fingers retract as you realize exactly what this means. Who are you to think only of yourself? You've made mistakes, how can you ask for anything. Unless...you know, you know what might be going through her mind at a time like this and you make a strangely hopeful guess that it's a mutual need. So you recognize your failure but do not retract your hand completely. Back inside yourself. You can't think alone can you.

嵐や火災、私は立っている

I am immovable and have conquered the first step to gaining a bullet proof kind of power, strength of mind.

I will carve the accessibility of my weakness to the finest point and lock up my intentions in a safe. Even those who make it through my maze will only find five more layers of security and a fistful of fun traps to make them sorry they even tried.

I have found that I do not need what I thought I did to remain human, empathetic, and able to love unconditionally. I have found the key to beating the weakness that hurt me and I know how to become stronger. I will be more perfect and more capable while still remaining myself. I will uphold my integrity and at the same time cloak the reality that could bring me to my knees.

At this moment three people can exploit me. One of them cannot hurt me. Another I hope to kill. The third I chose as my weakness and I do not regret that choice in the least.

あなたが知っているかのように踊りをやめてください。そうしない。これは大丈夫です。

I've created too much, or rather I've created nothing. Everything seems to have a mind of it's own. Danger, so they say. I agree. Agreeing changes nothing about me. Teach me about fire. If you teach me how to light things up maybe I can burn everything that springs up before I get the chance to tell it no. That's a good plan if I want to kill it, but the truth is I manifest in this way and there is no way in hell I'm killing myself again. I've had enough and I'm leaving my soul alone. It's tired, I'll let these gardens grow, these forest plant, the masks can be cleaned and the walls can be scrubbed of blood. I was okay a long time ago and I won't hate what's inside of me. The wounds on my stomach have healed and so have the wounds in my mind. I don't care if a scar remains, if a cold sliver of you manages to whisper a thing or two because I'm no fucking coward and I OWN MY MIND. 

私は一人で、本当に

I've taken five steps out of reality and six steps into some type of oozing mess that I don't really know what it is.

I'm off balance, slipping. I am something. Something, something, something. Who says anything about anything because I'm not really sure who's saying what and I don't understand what I'm saying back.

Tangible is fading and it slips away from me far too easily for my liking. My grip appeared stronger, or rather it is. My shoes were glued to the ground, they remain, I'm slipping out of them.

Not a crisis at all I suppose but what am I saying. I feel so wrong but also so alright and nothing is coming out like I know it should be, but then how does it? I'm being eaten by God knows what and I think that maybe a fog of this stuff will make me so disconnected from my action I'll be a haze of things I don't understand performing things that I do without reason.

I'm not impulsive but what am I doing?

ええタイトルとたわごと

You're probably downplaying so much and I want to ask about it but I don't know if you can even say

「スタンド・バイ・ミー」

...

Alex

私は私の子供たちと話をしたい

What the fuck can I do, huh?  Could someone just fucking tell me some way I can do something? I'm done with being left to wait and watch and pretending like I'm fine with observing helplessly because I'm not. So tell me what I can do.

間もなく

I'm waiting for the storm I feel

ええ

I can't stop thinking haha

面白いハァッ

I remember you told me then was our time. You said that we should be happy right then because it was our moment. You said we would never feel exactly as we did right then and that we should appreciate it and know that it was beautiful and special.

I want to say I wish I could have appreciated things more or tried to get more time with you, but I know I did. I appreciated every moment of every second with you and I fought to stay close to you. Mm, but now I just hope we will have more moments and though it will not be the same it can become even better.

But first, now. Right now while you work and I wait and then maybe we'll talk even if just for a moment and then return to working and waiting. I am patient. I'll love you from a distance.

私

Ok