crazy it's been so long. i've always liked this place. it feels safe.
you know, my words feel safe in some places but disgusting in others. trust. it's a funny thing.
i love breathing, as a child i breathed all the time. and then when we left a kind of unease crept in and breathing was not easy anymore. i struggled more and more as i aged, coughing, wheezing, taking shallow breaths and at last learning to take small breaths every once in a while. a gust of air when all alone.
she was respiration and you were hydration.
memory serves me nothing but feeling remembers more. you always take up more space, i can't simplify you, you will not let me box you in. you expand until, once again, the moon and stars and galaxy all become a piece of your tapestry and i sense the expanse of your reality and know that you are a simple being. a complex pillow. i can't mention you simply, can i. yeah, that's my fault, or maybe it's a feeling.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
fuck you world!!
amirite
man i'm really tired guys, really tired. i'm doing a lot of cool things now i guess, that other people really care about and help me in life and all that shit
like going to college and getting A's and learning languages and studying history and doing math and driving and trying to get a job and practicing my instruments and learning countries and flags and meditating and drawing and talking to people and taking my pills and eating more meals and working out and playing with my dog and taking walks (to get sun) and writing regularly and putting effort into all things and mending relationships and admiring nature etc.
i keep a schedule, i make sure i do these things
so now that i'm qualified to like, talk to you, i feel like shit and i want to fucking die
why? who the fuck knows. doctors say things like "you need more serotonin take this pill or get sun" so yeah i do that now. therapist says "you think too fast and all over the place i can't keep up with you, try driving maybe independence will help". yeah so i do that now. what do i think? i give up, hell if i know.
by the way, i lose my qualifications to talk to you about this again. because my life is pretty goddamned amazing. so like, if you care about these cool life things like having parents who will let you go to college and the means to actually go to college and a good education and opportunities and people who like you and absolutely no abuse whatsoever and also a minimal amount of manipulation and no real problems at all then you can give me the finger and say "fuck you" because i probably deserve that as i have all of those lovely things.
but yeah, i make the best of those things, i am grateful for those things, i try to fill my life with all these things.
i feel shitty.
am i allowed to feel shitty?
who the fuck knows...? I don't know anymore. i mean i sincerely doubt it given there is no logical reason as to why i still feel this horribly shitty all the goddamned time. and i mean all the time again. like i was doing ok, yeah, not anymore.
but i guess it's not that bad? like it's not as bad as my friends with bad lives or people with like really really bad lives.
but it's not getting better.
everything is pretty grey and i'm guessing most people have to deal with this too. and doesn't everything just like, suck. i'm doing my shit, good job me. i 'm doing fucking amazing on paper, good job me. but i just want to fucking fade. i want to fucking die. i want to fucking leave. i hate literally all of this. i don't have any motivation for anything at all aside from "idgaf about reasons why, do it you cunt or you'll feel useless and even worse, so work you piece of shit". and that's not exactly positive.
i hate talking to other people. i hate it. i hate other people. they're fucking great and then they just fucking suck. it's like "WOW THIS IS AMAZING, OTHER PEOPLE ARE A THING" and then it's like "wow you are all so fucking disappointing, why are you all like this, am i like this too? most likely, god i hate people you all suck and then i realize i suck and then we all just suck but you guys suck worse because you don't even meet my base standard. what do you say? i don't meet yours? idgaf, suck my dick".
what? do i not have the right attitude for you?
hey, want to know something else.
i absolutely fucking adore people. i love watching them, helping them, loving them, talking to them.
i also fucking despise it.
they're interesting as hell. they're boring as hell.
want me to explain? i can't. that's the best i can do.
except i can lmao, but it takes so much effort.
i'm fucking tired, remember. i told you earlier. i'm tired as hell.
every day it's like "i don't want to do this" and every day i'm like "haha, do it" and then i do it 95% of the time and then that 5% i'm like "it's ok to take breaks" and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not ok to take breaks what the fuck. but it need to or i get exhausted right. fuck this shit. i hate living.
i'm not even that amazing. i'm so goddamned boring. i'm not that fucking smart. but i am quick. i am smart.
i'm beautiful but i'm not beautiful. people stare at me, could be for any reason. but it doesn't matter and it also does matter in some realm because i'm supposed to talk to these other people even if they don't have any impact on my self-image.
i wish i was more insecure, maybe it would give more meaning to my life. HAHA. that's a lie, i love having security.
i feel fine. and by that i mean it's all under control. and by that i mean you can't help me. and by that i mean no one can make me care. and by that i mean i am going to die this way. and by that i mean help.
help meeeeeee. but you can't. fuck you. fuck everyone. i hate everything. understand?
i am depressed. i am depressed. i am depressed. i hate everything.
it's remarkable i do anything. but i don't just do anything. i could do more. i will do more. because if i keep pressing myself maybe it'll be something. because i want to snap. i want to snap. i want to snap. i'm not pushing at all. not in comparison. this isn't enough. i want to snap. i want to not snap. i want to have so much control. i want to torture myself. i want to torture myself. i want to hurt and i want to win.
i want to win even though i have no feelings or passion or motivation or joy in my life.
i hate everything but it doesn't matter because i'm fucking amazing and i still do everything i despise. i do everything i hate. i fuck everything i don't want. i sink my teeth into the bullshit in my life.
and i don't fucking deserve sympathy lmao, because my life is wonderful and amazing and you can suck my dick and hate me because it doesn't fucking matter at all.
my life is shit, my life is god. i don't care what you think i don't care what anyone thinks, i don't care what i think, i'll keep acting and doing and you can't do shit to me because you don't matter to me and nothing else matters to me and i'm going to die.
amirite
man i'm really tired guys, really tired. i'm doing a lot of cool things now i guess, that other people really care about and help me in life and all that shit
like going to college and getting A's and learning languages and studying history and doing math and driving and trying to get a job and practicing my instruments and learning countries and flags and meditating and drawing and talking to people and taking my pills and eating more meals and working out and playing with my dog and taking walks (to get sun) and writing regularly and putting effort into all things and mending relationships and admiring nature etc.
i keep a schedule, i make sure i do these things
so now that i'm qualified to like, talk to you, i feel like shit and i want to fucking die
why? who the fuck knows. doctors say things like "you need more serotonin take this pill or get sun" so yeah i do that now. therapist says "you think too fast and all over the place i can't keep up with you, try driving maybe independence will help". yeah so i do that now. what do i think? i give up, hell if i know.
by the way, i lose my qualifications to talk to you about this again. because my life is pretty goddamned amazing. so like, if you care about these cool life things like having parents who will let you go to college and the means to actually go to college and a good education and opportunities and people who like you and absolutely no abuse whatsoever and also a minimal amount of manipulation and no real problems at all then you can give me the finger and say "fuck you" because i probably deserve that as i have all of those lovely things.
but yeah, i make the best of those things, i am grateful for those things, i try to fill my life with all these things.
i feel shitty.
am i allowed to feel shitty?
who the fuck knows...? I don't know anymore. i mean i sincerely doubt it given there is no logical reason as to why i still feel this horribly shitty all the goddamned time. and i mean all the time again. like i was doing ok, yeah, not anymore.
but i guess it's not that bad? like it's not as bad as my friends with bad lives or people with like really really bad lives.
but it's not getting better.
everything is pretty grey and i'm guessing most people have to deal with this too. and doesn't everything just like, suck. i'm doing my shit, good job me. i 'm doing fucking amazing on paper, good job me. but i just want to fucking fade. i want to fucking die. i want to fucking leave. i hate literally all of this. i don't have any motivation for anything at all aside from "idgaf about reasons why, do it you cunt or you'll feel useless and even worse, so work you piece of shit". and that's not exactly positive.
i hate talking to other people. i hate it. i hate other people. they're fucking great and then they just fucking suck. it's like "WOW THIS IS AMAZING, OTHER PEOPLE ARE A THING" and then it's like "wow you are all so fucking disappointing, why are you all like this, am i like this too? most likely, god i hate people you all suck and then i realize i suck and then we all just suck but you guys suck worse because you don't even meet my base standard. what do you say? i don't meet yours? idgaf, suck my dick".
what? do i not have the right attitude for you?
hey, want to know something else.
i absolutely fucking adore people. i love watching them, helping them, loving them, talking to them.
i also fucking despise it.
they're interesting as hell. they're boring as hell.
want me to explain? i can't. that's the best i can do.
except i can lmao, but it takes so much effort.
i'm fucking tired, remember. i told you earlier. i'm tired as hell.
every day it's like "i don't want to do this" and every day i'm like "haha, do it" and then i do it 95% of the time and then that 5% i'm like "it's ok to take breaks" and now that i'm thinking about it, it's not ok to take breaks what the fuck. but it need to or i get exhausted right. fuck this shit. i hate living.
i'm not even that amazing. i'm so goddamned boring. i'm not that fucking smart. but i am quick. i am smart.
i'm beautiful but i'm not beautiful. people stare at me, could be for any reason. but it doesn't matter and it also does matter in some realm because i'm supposed to talk to these other people even if they don't have any impact on my self-image.
i wish i was more insecure, maybe it would give more meaning to my life. HAHA. that's a lie, i love having security.
i feel fine. and by that i mean it's all under control. and by that i mean you can't help me. and by that i mean no one can make me care. and by that i mean i am going to die this way. and by that i mean help.
help meeeeeee. but you can't. fuck you. fuck everyone. i hate everything. understand?
i am depressed. i am depressed. i am depressed. i hate everything.
it's remarkable i do anything. but i don't just do anything. i could do more. i will do more. because if i keep pressing myself maybe it'll be something. because i want to snap. i want to snap. i want to snap. i'm not pushing at all. not in comparison. this isn't enough. i want to snap. i want to not snap. i want to have so much control. i want to torture myself. i want to torture myself. i want to hurt and i want to win.
i want to win even though i have no feelings or passion or motivation or joy in my life.
i hate everything but it doesn't matter because i'm fucking amazing and i still do everything i despise. i do everything i hate. i fuck everything i don't want. i sink my teeth into the bullshit in my life.
and i don't fucking deserve sympathy lmao, because my life is wonderful and amazing and you can suck my dick and hate me because it doesn't fucking matter at all.
my life is shit, my life is god. i don't care what you think i don't care what anyone thinks, i don't care what i think, i'll keep acting and doing and you can't do shit to me because you don't matter to me and nothing else matters to me and i'm going to die.
Monday, July 16, 2018
Monday, June 18, 2018
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