I'm so fluid still, but I have made walls. I don't trust anyone enough to ask for a second opinion, but I need to make sure I am going the right way. Because I am trapped inside my pain and I want to see beyond it.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Friday, July 28, 2017
なぜ私たちは骨として存在しますか？
Bones are too hard for us
We are the earth, maintaining shape for a short while before falling into a million pieces
We are the earth, maintaining shape for a short while before falling into a million pieces
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
運命は人形を作る
He does tell the truth.
He is honest, the thing I value the most. That is part of why I had such a weakness to him. He never broke the rules, he never lied, and the destruction was a form of perfection.
It's possible he was blameless by my standard. If I could both remember and stay sane maybe I would see what happened as only natural. He probably did. I hate the way I think sometimes.
He is honest, the thing I value the most. That is part of why I had such a weakness to him. He never broke the rules, he never lied, and the destruction was a form of perfection.
It's possible he was blameless by my standard. If I could both remember and stay sane maybe I would see what happened as only natural. He probably did. I hate the way I think sometimes.
知っているふりをしないでください
Decay is hardly ever something noticeable. With wings fully extended and hair flowing down past soft lips it would steal your breath from your lungs. White fades to grey and purity can melt into the earth, char that blows away in the wind.
He was an angel. You could sense it in his eyes, feel it effortlessly.
Yes, I believed you when you told me it was hell. I believed because I saw you decay before my eyes and I felt your heart break when god denied you. "Love is not for me." you said. An angel's wings should never be broken and when an angel screams it should be god who extends his hands. To crave that touch means addiction to it.
The boy's arms were covered in the ashes of a doomed nation. So soaked in sin he didn't even understand the meaning of light. But he understood love. Love would be pain, pain because of the sins of the world. What god can face corruption and call it good? His body shook and his broken wings seemed to fold into the earth. He screamed out his eyes closed, his head back and tears rolling down his cheeks. He was alone, and the god he would have died for, the god who made him, the only one who's love he wanted had forsaken him.
He was an angel. You could sense it in his eyes, feel it effortlessly.
Yes, I believed you when you told me it was hell. I believed because I saw you decay before my eyes and I felt your heart break when god denied you. "Love is not for me." you said. An angel's wings should never be broken and when an angel screams it should be god who extends his hands. To crave that touch means addiction to it.
The boy's arms were covered in the ashes of a doomed nation. So soaked in sin he didn't even understand the meaning of light. But he understood love. Love would be pain, pain because of the sins of the world. What god can face corruption and call it good? His body shook and his broken wings seemed to fold into the earth. He screamed out his eyes closed, his head back and tears rolling down his cheeks. He was alone, and the god he would have died for, the god who made him, the only one who's love he wanted had forsaken him.
地獄
I want to run my hands through your hair and hum as you fall asleep in my arms. I want to listen to you talk and I want to remind you every day how beautiful you are. I want to take walks with you and watch thunderstorms with you. I want to sit in silence knowing you are present somewhere near. I want you to feel safe and loved, to have a moments peace and rest.
美しい
"We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes."
2 Corinthians 4:2
Are my eyes wrong
I won't give up so easily
I won't let go so easily
2 Corinthians 4:2
Are my eyes wrong
I won't give up so easily
I won't let go so easily
きっとあげる
"I speak the truth...--I am not lying, my conscience confirms it" Romans 9:1
The value confuses me
The value confuses me so much
おそらく私はあなたが聞いた最初の場所であるので、ここに書きます
For though my hands will burn with flame
my heart remains the same
I sit in silence patiently
my mind echoes your name
My eyes are filled with fireflies
the sky is wet with rain
These walls of mine breathe gentle sighs
I think of you again
Where worlds collide is where I stand
the line seems far too thin
I always wondered where you'd land
they always seem to win
It seems like strength is not enough
like I can't do a thing
My uselessness is haunting me
my screams are how I sing
My will is burning in my eyes
my heart is leaning back
But even when the fire dies
my soul will still attack
Will you forget me sometime soon
Will pain make you move on
The day you finally speak to me
Will everything be gone
There's nothing you could ever do
To make me turn away
But even if I stand by you
that doesn't mean you'll stay
my heart remains the same
I sit in silence patiently
my mind echoes your name
My eyes are filled with fireflies
the sky is wet with rain
These walls of mine breathe gentle sighs
I think of you again
Where worlds collide is where I stand
the line seems far too thin
I always wondered where you'd land
they always seem to win
It seems like strength is not enough
like I can't do a thing
My uselessness is haunting me
my screams are how I sing
My will is burning in my eyes
my heart is leaning back
But even when the fire dies
my soul will still attack
Will you forget me sometime soon
Will pain make you move on
The day you finally speak to me
Will everything be gone
There's nothing you could ever do
To make me turn away
But even if I stand by you
that doesn't mean you'll stay
Monday, July 24, 2017
一息
I expected myself to weaken if I did what I did and I was right. But I think maybe this way is better, this way I'll have to pull through into becoming stronger. Maybe it's a good thing. But only as long as I'm aware.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
もしそうなら、あなたは吸う
Mmm, maybe I just need to refocus. It's time to break things down more. Set better goals. Train my body and mind at the same time.
あなたは本当にこれらすべてを翻訳していますか？私は興味があります
but i miss shitposting ;-;
i feel like it proves that i'm an edgy shit to myself and also makes me lose complete control over my mind at times if i'm not cautious
it feels like it's against some unspoken rule to actually just write down whatever i'm thinking at the moment
but i guess it could be seen as a coping mechanism
i do know i've gotten far more lax in how i portray myself to others yet tightened up in how i handle myself in my mind
possibly i am my own worst enemy in the realm of thinking and knowing and shit
i feel like it proves that i'm an edgy shit to myself and also makes me lose complete control over my mind at times if i'm not cautious
it feels like it's against some unspoken rule to actually just write down whatever i'm thinking at the moment
but i guess it could be seen as a coping mechanism
i do know i've gotten far more lax in how i portray myself to others yet tightened up in how i handle myself in my mind
possibly i am my own worst enemy in the realm of thinking and knowing and shit
良い午後の雌犬
I need to balance this shitpost area with the actual area I'm supposed to be shitposting in that is now not really shitposting and has kind of detoured from its original purpose kms
私を壊せ
Strength. It isn't necessary here. It isn't necessary here. It's wrong here. Because we don't need it. Because we need nothing. Because were are pathetic and weak and taken care of. Because we are children.
Do you understand what it is to feel pain? Do you understand what it means to be strong? Do you understand what it is to be torn apart until you are broken strips of skin and bone lying on the floor? Do you really know what it's like when you are forced to be strong? Your thoughts are questioned and your worth is nothing because you can always be better, you are never good enough. You never will be. When pain is an everyday occurrence and there is no option to stop, you either survive or you die. Keep going and going and going.
It's considered a cruelty. Because when you force that on a person they become something else entirely. Because it shapes them and exposes them and makes them raw, screaming beings. Because it takes something that modern society considers human and morphs it into a creature that has always been the true definition of survival, of achievement, of humanity.
But it is truly a cruelty. A cruelty because here it leaves one in hell, isolated, alone, and with nothing to fight. A cruelty because the world may do that to a person, a person may do that to a person to prepare them for what they need, but someone you trust who prepares you for a battle you will never fight. Who takes a choice from you and forces you to become something that you don't need to be and have no choice in. This is cruelty. But at least you're strong, right?
Is it worth it if the strength you have will probably never be used?
You never made a choice in the beginning. You never decided to be strong, to have to survive, to be alone. It was never a choice, it was taken and then it became what had to be thought and done and what had to happen. So that is a stupid question to ask.
But it is the world's fault that strength is not needed. We've created this soft environment and deemed it good. But it locks us up and makes us weak. We are not the greatness of humankind, we are the weakest.
The world shaped mankind into a being that can endure pain, that can take damage, that can heal and grow. Become strong and hard, become a flawless machine that is haunted and torn inside but godlike. Raw, exposure, something you can't contain crawling out of your chest. Locked away but drawn out by what seemed unbearable. But it wasn't unbearable, and instead you became larger than life. You were not cut down even though you truly wanted to be, you wanted to die and die and die but you couldn't, you didn't. You lived. Which often times seems so much worse.
Pros and cons on extreme levels but it's all human beings at the core. And I hate that it forces them to scream out in loneliness. No one, no matter how strong or hard should have to be alone.
I don't know. I can't tell. It's a line that I can't define properly because I don't know for sure, I see but not everything and I'm missing so much. I'm sorry.
Do you understand what it is to feel pain? Do you understand what it means to be strong? Do you understand what it is to be torn apart until you are broken strips of skin and bone lying on the floor? Do you really know what it's like when you are forced to be strong? Your thoughts are questioned and your worth is nothing because you can always be better, you are never good enough. You never will be. When pain is an everyday occurrence and there is no option to stop, you either survive or you die. Keep going and going and going.
It's considered a cruelty. Because when you force that on a person they become something else entirely. Because it shapes them and exposes them and makes them raw, screaming beings. Because it takes something that modern society considers human and morphs it into a creature that has always been the true definition of survival, of achievement, of humanity.
But it is truly a cruelty. A cruelty because here it leaves one in hell, isolated, alone, and with nothing to fight. A cruelty because the world may do that to a person, a person may do that to a person to prepare them for what they need, but someone you trust who prepares you for a battle you will never fight. Who takes a choice from you and forces you to become something that you don't need to be and have no choice in. This is cruelty. But at least you're strong, right?
Is it worth it if the strength you have will probably never be used?
You never made a choice in the beginning. You never decided to be strong, to have to survive, to be alone. It was never a choice, it was taken and then it became what had to be thought and done and what had to happen. So that is a stupid question to ask.
But it is the world's fault that strength is not needed. We've created this soft environment and deemed it good. But it locks us up and makes us weak. We are not the greatness of humankind, we are the weakest.
The world shaped mankind into a being that can endure pain, that can take damage, that can heal and grow. Become strong and hard, become a flawless machine that is haunted and torn inside but godlike. Raw, exposure, something you can't contain crawling out of your chest. Locked away but drawn out by what seemed unbearable. But it wasn't unbearable, and instead you became larger than life. You were not cut down even though you truly wanted to be, you wanted to die and die and die but you couldn't, you didn't. You lived. Which often times seems so much worse.
Pros and cons on extreme levels but it's all human beings at the core. And I hate that it forces them to scream out in loneliness. No one, no matter how strong or hard should have to be alone.
I don't know. I can't tell. It's a line that I can't define properly because I don't know for sure, I see but not everything and I'm missing so much. I'm sorry.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
これらの翻訳を停止する
It does feel like melting back. I remember this format and I remember writing a lot of my old posts. I wonder why I care so much about memories. And I wonder why I'm trying to bring some of it back. And I'm tired enough to stop for today.
So if I sink into the light and it envelops me remind me that it fades. I will not place my hands on char again and expect it to stand firm. I will not let my mind decay into a maze that I don't control. I will not let the cage doors fly open and when I lock something I will hide the key. I am not the same and when I feel this way it will not change anything because the past is in the past.
Memories seem dangerous sometimes.
But it's a nature that has been repeated throughout time that I sense.
She was innocence wrapped into one essence and I saw more than just her identity in it. So when she filled pages and paper she became something that probably wasn't accurate.
Why is my mind this way? I don't get it. I don't get me. I don't understand where things come from. Are they petals in the air or does it require more effort? Do you have to catch them? Do you have to pluck them from the ground?
Where are you standing and what are you thinking and what state of mind are you in
I don't understand and I want to understand
I want to know
私は見て感じる
Is screaming okay? I keep thinking about one thing right now. I keep thinking about how it feels lonely because now I know you were always there with me. And now I know that it hurts to be really alone sometimes. Sometimes. No. Not to be alone. That's not what it is. It's that you are not here. That's what it is. And that's not fair it seems. But I never really liked people's idea of fair because it's really hard to actually be fair. I wonder if coming here reduced me to thinking wrong. If force of habit has forced me to spill my guts that I didn't know I had in a place that nobody would ever think to look. Blogspot seems so....I don't know partitioned away? Tumblr makes things pretty but this just feels raw. It's not. Tagged or anything. It's just my vomit on this fucking page and god I don't know if I like this. I don't know if I like this at all.
時々私は錫です
HEY!
Are you listening to me?
Don't listen to me. Don't listen to me please. Please don't. Go away please. I don't need any of you. I don't need anything.
Liar liar liar liar
When people betray you it is not supposed to be so easy to trust them again
Or people in general
Wow why
Are you listening to me?
Don't listen to me. Don't listen to me please. Please don't. Go away please. I don't need any of you. I don't need anything.
Liar liar liar liar
When people betray you it is not supposed to be so easy to trust them again
Or people in general
Wow why
再作成するものはありません
I was more me than ever because I wasn't anything at all. And it felt empty and cold and everyone didn't respect it. No buts, no pleases. NO MORE.
Hey?
Did you care?
You didn't did you?
You didn't care.
You lied to me.
Everyone keeps lying to me because I want so badly to believe them.
Hey?
Did you care?
You didn't did you?
You didn't care.
You lied to me.
Everyone keeps lying to me because I want so badly to believe them.
あなたはまだこれらを翻訳していますか？
I fell and fell and fell, but it felt soft because I'd already fallen too hard to get up. I was on the floor and you were graceful around me. I was on the floor and someone else watched me. Sometimes I really can't tell the difference between acid and rain, sometimes being free means falling apart, sometimes pain seems like the best answer. Sometimes it feels like I deserve it.
私は馬鹿だった
I woke up, no I didn't sleep. And then I was alone and I hummed a song because I was afraid that I wasn't real.
本当のタイトルが欲しいですか？
I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted. I am exhausted.
Poetry always fell from my mouth when I felt nothing and when I felt something it was too unbearable to put it into words
Poetry always fell from my mouth when I felt nothing and when I felt something it was too unbearable to put it into words
>_>
I wanted to look back at blogspot but I deleted everything. I was listening to Licht und Schatten and I kept thinking about when I wrote on blogspot. And then I remembered that Hiero showed me that song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S1NmtWDVYk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3S1NmtWDVYk
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